literally had 100 drinks last night.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
