They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
