Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Randomize
