I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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