video games are the ultimate cock blocker
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
