You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
