i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
