you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
