about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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