I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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