I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
