So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
