please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
