The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
