i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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