I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
