I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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