I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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