Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize