Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
