So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
