the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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