I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
