did you get engaged???
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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