I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
