I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
