If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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