We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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