here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
