Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
