I wish my penis had an off switch
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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