mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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