is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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