Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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