I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
