I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
