now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
