D3 body, D1 cock
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
