You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
