I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You're a waste of cheezeits
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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