I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
