Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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