Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
