Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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