a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
