Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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