i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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