I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize