if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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