Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Randomize
