This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize