Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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