i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
