life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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