All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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