new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
