I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
