why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
