If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i believe in u and ur pee
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
