Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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