omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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