I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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