The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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